Antisocial
by xxilluminaxx
Summary: 'Yeah, you heard me, you're a heartless, uncaring asshole and someday everything is finally gonna blow up in your fat, smug face because that's all people like you deserve.' After another 'hilarious' tragedy, Kyle has some choice words for Cartman regarding his sick sense of humor, leading Cartman to counter using the one method he truly understands...


**Antisocial**

A simple study of Cartman's character. I hope you enjoy! ^_^

**Disclaimer**:_ I do not own South Park, it is owned by Matt Stone and Trey Parker._

* * *

'You know what _you_ are, Cartman?!' his whining voice calls after my retreating form and, for some reason, I stop in my tracks. By this point, I can feel his beady little Jew eyes boring into me from behind as well as everyone else's beady non-Jew eyes, but I could care less what the dumbasses I pass in the hallway think. I mean, seriously, who the fuck _are_ half these people?!

Ignoring them all, 'cause, well, fuck 'em, I stand still for a moment, wondering if I should actually give in to the loudmouthed douchebag calling after me. After all, I know that he wants me to turn around and respond, and I also know that, even though his words are styled like a question, it really doesn't matter whether I answer or not, he's gonna carry on anyway. Yep, he'll spout and preach his crap to the world, regardless of whether the world actually cares 'cause that's just the sort of person he is. He wants me to turn around and face him so that he can spout his crap to my face and watch me to see just how much he messes with me…

But that's the part that almost impresses me, Jew, I feel that you've learned a lot from me and I hope you realize it and how happy it makes me…

Happy enough that I actually give in and turn to face the person in question, raising my eyebrows in amusement, which it turns out is encouragement enough for him to continue.

Kyle's mad, that much is obvious. His body's all tensed up, his hands are balled into fists at his sides, and when he storms up to me, his walk is all stiff and awkward looking, which nearly makes me laugh, but I hold it in so that it's just a smile instead. Following behind him is Stan, who's making frantic attempts to calm him down whilst his eyes dart around, painfully aware of the attention his annoying best friend is drawing. When Kyle closes the space between us, I notice his face is all screwed up and a little bit red and I'm struggling even more not to laugh. Come on, it's like looking at a cartoon! By the contorted angry scowl on his face, which only makes the laugh I'm trying to hold back all the more harder to push back, whatever words he has to say to me are gonna be _bad_. Maybe they'll chip away at my mental state, word by word? Because I like to think that's what happens to the people I throw _my _words at…

'You,' he begins, his face inches from mine and his voice a low hiss, 'are a complete. fucking. sociopath!'

Taking a moment for his words to actually sink in, I realize I'm honestly taken aback by them, only not for the reason he wishes I were. That's it, _seriously?! Those_ are the words I should be so upset about?! I take it back, Kyle, just when you actually prove yourself to actually have a shred of something worth admiring, you go and ruin it by being _you_…

'What?' is all I can say in a flat response, as I realize that I'm too shocked to even laugh at what he said, I… I just… I don't even- Everything just fails me, even more so when the Jew smirks at me, obviously happy with my confusion, for some reason;

'Yeah, you heard me,' Oh, God, he's carrying on, 'you're a heartless, uncaring _asshole_ and someday, some _fucking_ day, _everything _is finally gonna blow up in your fat, smug face because that's all people like _you_ deserve!' As he's been continuing with his latest bitch-fest, his voice has also been slowly rising, to the point that he's being so loud and _fucking shrill_, that I can't even block him out anymore.

It's also to the point that Stan has apparently overcome the awkwardness of having everyone staring at him, give the kid a fucking medal (Well, I say kid, but he's actually a little older than me…), and places a hand on Kyle's shoulder, which the Jew just shrugs off. Ohh, shit, people, you know this is serious business if the Jew's super gay best friend can't handle him!

When did I get this sarcastic? I swear I never used to be… Well, Stan and Kyle can be pretty sarcastic sometimes, so I guess they've rubbed off on me. Ew. Though, now that I think about it, Kenny can actually be pretty sarcastic and witty when he wants to be. Or when he actually bothers to speak. Speaking of that little fag, it's his fault I'm even having this argument with Kyle in the first place! I seriously wouldn't even mind if Kyle wasn't such a freaking hypocrite, just like his bitch of a mother!

Oh, and speaking of Kyle, he still hasn't shut up yet. Stan asked him to calm down, but if anything, it just made him more determined to continue;

'No, Stan, why should I?! Our friend died today! In front of us and everything! And all _he_,' he jabs a finger in my direction, 'can do is laugh and make jokes?! Who the fuck does that?! Why am _I_ the only one calling him out on it?!' Jesus fucking Christ, if his voice gets any higher, I swear only bats'll be able to hear him and they'll probably yell at him to shut up, too. Or squeak, whatever bats do.

It's funny, his words. Hilarious actually and I can't hold in that laugh from earlier. So I let it out. I laugh right in his face until my eyes are watering and I sound like some kinda crazy psycho, which is probably just proving Kyle's point, but fuck him anyway. I laugh because it's hilarious how much he sounds like a hypocrite right now, I laugh because I can see how disgusted he and Stan both look right now and I laugh because it's the only way I can deal with how _fucking frustrating_ it is that Kyle is _literally_ incapable of ever realizing what a hypocrite he is right now.

I'm being completely seriously.

Then there's also the reason for this argument; Kenny's death, which was also hilarious. I mean, we were all sat in the cafeteria for lunch, right? and a freaking baseball came outta nowhere and hits the poor fag right between the eyes, 'kay? So, Kenny goes flying to the floor, but instead of just getting a concussion or _at most_ getting knocked out for a while, blood starts pouring from the fucker's nose. Well, we all just figured his face was smashed up from the blow, but turns out he suffered some 'traumatic brain injury' and _died!_ Seriously, it killed him, you tell me that's not hilarious! … Well, you're a fucking liar…

But apparently the others didn't see the humor in it 'cause they were all staring at me with this horrified look in their eyes, kinda like they'd never seen this sorta thing before. Sure, it's like a weird sense of déjà vu, or some other British crap, but the others never usually reacted like this, and they used to laugh with me! Course, then the wimpier kids started freaking out; Butters gave me a headache with all his screaming (not that I didn't have one before), Clyde wouldn't stop crying and I think Tweek's still with the councilor. Then I tried to lighten the tension…

'You just don't give a crap about anyone but yourself, Cartman!' Kyle's voice pierces through my thoughts, pulling me back to reality.

Apparently, no-one gets my humor. Their loss…

I close my eyes, struggling to remember what Kyle had actually said before. Not the general gist, y'know, but the actual words he used 'cause God knows I wasn't paying enough attention to remember. Opening my eyes again, I can see that he, Stan and everyone else are waiting for me to say something back. Crap, the crowd's starting to mutter things to each other, taking his side by the sound of it. Some of the kids from our table have joined us, I can hear Butters sniffling to himself, and it sounds like they're on Kyle's side, too.

Okay, I'm losing the crowd, I need to switch this around. Quickly.

'Well..? Aren't you gonna say anything?!' Oh, shut the fuck up, Stan, two minutes ago _you _didn't even have the balls to say anything to me.

'No. He knows you're right and doesn't want to admit it,' I hear Craig pipe up from behind me, his voice taking on that annoying tone when it's like the thing you're saying is the most obvious thing ever, which is pretty damn amazing when you have the emotional range of a table! Whoa! Why is this asshole even getting involved if he apparently hates us so much?!

Someone else scoffs from behind me, 'Yeah, and if we didn't believe it before, laughing at your friend dying pretty much proved everything Kyle said as true, not that we _didn't_ believe it before…,' Token adds with mutter that's not really a mutter since everyone heard him anyway, and in response, _they_ all start muttering agreements.

Jesus Christ, why's everyone on my back?! And why are other people trying to get involved? This has _nothing _to do with any of _them!_

Kyle folds his arms, a weird look on his face that's kinda like a mix between disgust at me and pride at everyone sticking up for him, oh, and sticking up for Kenny, who this is really about, 'cept it's probably not.

I admit it, I'm pretty mad right now, I could flip out. I really want nothing more than to punch Kyle right in his stupid face which triggers a bunch of different scenarios for that scene to play in my head, each one more satisfying to me than the last, but I still stay where I am. If I flip my shit now, as great as it will be, I'm gonna get in trouble and lose the reputation I built up. Worst thing of all, it'll prove Kyle right and hell no am I letting that happen, even if it _is_ only til tomorrow. So, I grit my teeth, clench and unclench my fists and finally speak up;

'He… He's really dead, isn't he? Kenny..?' Huh, I'm not too sure where I'm going with this, but it causes everyone around me to do a little double-take, so I figure I should continue;

'I… I, uh, no. No, h-he'll be back tomorrow, you guys just wait, he's not really dead, that's, uh, why it's so funny, he's not really dead..!' Okay, even I'm not too sure where that came from and even though I still get that adrenaline rush I usually get when I'm speaking out my ass, it's really a weird kind of lie. Looking at Kyle and Stan's face only makes it better; they both look really confused and uncomfortable, especially Stan, the oversensitive wuss. Kyle on the other hand still has that suspicion on his face, so I really need to cement this.

''Cause, 'cause, y'see, you guys, Kenny can't die, y-you get it? He can't die, so it's funny! We can laugh! He'll be back soon' my voice raises, just to make me sound more hysterical, and I look between the faces of my two friends, trying to appear as if I'm looking for reassurance, but in reality, I'm scanning their emotions. Stan turns away, his eyes becoming all watery, and tugs his hat down to try and cover this up. So, I turn my attention back to the Jew;

'Come on, Kyle, you get it, don't you?' I say in a much softer voice, imitating Stan by making my own eyes watery from refusing to blink. God, I can't wait til tomorrow when this is all over…

My head slumps down against my chest and I close my eyes to really drive my performance as the confused, grieving best friend suffering from shock into them. Somewhere near me, the sound of Butter's pathetic cries fills my ears as well as the sounds of the crowd breaking away from the scene with some sympathetic murmurs towards the three of us.

It's a good thing I lowered my head, otherwise the look of pure satisfaction and euphoria on my face would have destroyed my efforts right about now. It's just as well, since the bell signals the end of lunch at that very moment and the rest of the crowd quickly slip away, leaving me with the few remaining fags from the lunch table.

'Dude, Kyle, let's just go to class, we can deal with this later,' Stan pleads softly and when I peer through my bangs, I can see him tugging at Kyle's arm.

The Jew seems conflicted, this is the moment where I find out just how good I am, because I know that Jew likes to think himself immune to my tricks. If I'm perfectly honest, he _is _one of the tougher ones to fool, tougher, but not impossible.

After a few more tense seconds, Kyle lets out a frustrated sigh and allows Stan to pull him away, down the hall. It's probably safe to lift my head now, which I do, and stare after Kyle, wearing the same smug smile that he wore just a couple of minutes ago. When he decides to peer over his shoulder and catches hold of my expression, his own crumbles, replaced by the horrified one from in the cafeteria. I raise my eyebrows and turn around before he can shout anything, shoving past Craig and Token and strolling down the hall in the opposite direction, leaving the sound of Butters crying behind me.

Oh, Kyle, haven't you learned by now that you're really not as special as you think? If anything, you're just the most fun to mess with.

The smug smile on my face has now grown into a huge smile, like that cat from… that… book, I don't freaking know, leave me alone! But, seriously, I just managed to deceive a whole bunch of people whilst technically telling the truth…

Dude, I am fucking awesome!

Even if Kenny doesn't come back to school tomorrow or ever again, and even if everyone wasn't a complete hypocrite, I don't really see why it's such a big deal anyway. I mean, sure, death sucks, especially when it happens to someone you know, but it's not like you can't just find someone new anyway. People do it with pets, why are we any different? Just find a new friend! After a while, you suck it up, 'cause people come and go out of your life all the time anyway. Simple as.

Tweek had better be out of the councilor's office by now, 'cause that's where I'm headed. I'm more than certain that the school's not gonna shut down even for one day because of a pupil dying. Nope, not South Park Elementary. So, I figure maybe if I start crying in there, I'll get sent home for the rest of the day…

After all, I'm _so_ horribly upset by the sudden death of my best friend that I'll never be able to focus on my studies and I've got the friendship necklace and the tears to prove it…


End file.
